Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says: 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath. | 
