One of the characteristics of the dream is that nothing suprises us in it. With no regret, we agree to live in it with strangers, completely cut off from our habits and friends. 'You'll get over it.' It's the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The articluarness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not stopped by anyone but death. The hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to? I'm the one who's got to die when it's time for me to die so let me live the way I want to. A friend is someone with whom I can reveal many parts of me, even those I am meeting for the first time. When you have a rainbow deep down in your heart, your smile will shine bright. You know you’re a part of that colorful, magical, feeling you’ll find, when you have a rainbow inside. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that seem right? That means to the average person if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing. A broken bone can heal, but the wound a word opens can fester forever. I sit alone a lot, but I do not mind it. I’m just waiting for my something clean to fill this emptiness, but it’s been so long, I think I may never find it. You worked for a bit, I could look in the mirror and smile, I felt complete with you near me, but that lasted a short while. I realize only half the shit you say turns out to be true, so I just look you square in the eyes…call me when it’s convenient for you…things move so slowly now, each minute seemingly a year, I wait around for nothing, but nothing’s what I fear. I’ve taken comfort in the monotony of the pain that embrace and what I wouldn’t give to smash my nothing in your face, and I fell so fast, so hard, and I’m struggling to get up. But never will I let you win. I’ll never admit I’m stuck…I used to live to dream, now I dream to live. I’ve realized I’ll never accept the things which no one can give; and each morning as I dress, I pretend I’m not really me, because really, I’m just pretending to be the girl you see, and it seems pointless to dream and live a lie, but there’s something in me that’s too strong to die, and it will hold me tight, and burden me with guilt, because I do need something there to keep me in this hell I’ve already built. And now I’m more alone than I ever was before, because when I let you go, you took a piece of me out that door, and I miss that piece because it kept me sane, and now I’m alone, with my naïve heart to blame. Dreams come true if you survive the hard times! |
