My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it....
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.