Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
Paula Poundstone quotes
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
Conan O'Brien quotes
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two week's notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger quotes
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfield quotes
Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson quotes
Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde quotes
Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain quotes
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery quotes